Well I'm supposed to be getting ready to move to Florida but it seems I would rather put my head in the sand and ignore it... I need to find an apartment but that isn't going very well. I also need to figure out what is going on with my feelings...
Let's start with I love jason. I don't know how to explain it. I haven't really told him, though I have been very tempted to. I want to do it like this "I love you. Don't get scared. It's not that all consuming, I want to give up my life and become obsessed with you and have your babies kind of love. I still want to move to Florida, though I know I will miss you terribly. But I do love you. I can't explain it other than the person that you are and that you constantly aspire to be is so amazing. It's not your fire fighter arms or the fact that you're super smart. It's that you went and helped after hurricane katrina and that you run the wrong way into burning buildings. It's that even when you worked at 911 and didn't like parts of your job you still wanted to save people, to help them. It's the fact that even though keenan drives you crazy and you sometimes want to kill him you still try to be nice to him and even play him at scrabble. And it's that when I'm being a total pain in the butt or using my hyperactive sense of fear, instead of getting mad you calm me down. You say you aren't patient but you are with me when other people would just get annoyed and walk away. Anyhow i'm getting off my main point... you are a good person, an amazing person, and..."
but how do I end it? And I don't want to freak him out. But I feel this...push to say it to him. Like when I used to sit in bible study and I knew I didn't want to talk but something inside of me told me that I need to say it, that I needed to get it out.
Speaking of feelings I don't know how to put my feelings toward moving. I think it's fear, but it isn't the panicky fear that I felt at the idea of moving to san antonio. It's what I kept mistaking for missing someone. Like when I felt like I missed aaron, which turned into being dependent on aaron. Maybe that whole time all I really felt was fear at being alone and I couldn't tell. Have I been getting feelings mixed up? I need to take some serious time and decide how I feel about somethings and why I feel that way and if any of them could be changed for the better.
2. People lie, stuff happens. Don’t take it too personally.
