Church service this week said we tell ourselves 2 lies
1. we have to be perfect
2. we have to please everyone
and then he went on about how god loves us. despite the fact that we are sinners. that our good works don't get us to heaven, that we get there because Jesus died for us. That we can't earn love. and more. probably more.
I was the poster child for this service. POSTER CHILD.
So I get so worked up that I can't even take communion. because my dad died. and my mom never let us forget it. and she expects too much from me. and i don't know how to handle it. and i love her. and i want to be good enough. i really really want to be good enough. I don't like fighting with her. i don't like her thinking i don't love her. but i don't know how to be good enough for her.
and it seeps. it seeps into everything. this needing to validate that i am good enough.
Kevin's mom said i wasn't good enough for her son. Aaron said i wasn't good enough for him. I am beating a dead horse but i have spent a very long time trying to validate myself. trying to be good enough. so i mean... it isn't over it.
so i couldn't take communion because i don't know how to let go of all of that and feel like i'm good enough because i was made good enough. I have been looking for love from every guy that i love, but i don't know how to take the "i have a savior that loves me for who i am"
and i just want to cry. i want to cry and sleep. i have work to do. but i want to cry and sleep. and i want jason to love me. but he needs space. i just.
i feel very broken
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Monday, November 21, 2011
aaand now i'm having panic attacks
Great. Now that i'm trying this whole "be happy and thankful in all your circumstances I am having serious panic attacks
I cannot make myself stay here. Even when I say in my head "i'll be gone for a month and I can do this in a year" it makes me want to vomit and cry and... i just feel like i have this big hole in my chest that can't be filled. and it sucks. i don't even begin to know how to make it better.
:(
I cannot make myself stay here. Even when I say in my head "i'll be gone for a month and I can do this in a year" it makes me want to vomit and cry and... i just feel like i have this big hole in my chest that can't be filled. and it sucks. i don't even begin to know how to make it better.
:(
Sunday, November 20, 2011
ok... i get it God
I went to church today. One of those huge "mega churches" which i always assume are actually cults and... I actually really liked it! I got the cd of this weeks and last week's sermons.
So guess what it was on... oh that's right, having gratitude in whatever your circumstances are. Ok so there was a reason that I wanted to go to church. because it was a pointed sermon. He even talked about how you would appreciate your car more if you had to take a bus to work for a week (Oh really? is that anything like having car problems 3 days in a row? because I get it God).
SO I am going to do all things with gratitude. Or at least try. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself anyhow, and I know everyone else is tired of hearing me complain. One of the things they gave us was a card to give to someone just to tell them that you appreciate them. Well I can do that. In fact I can make cards and do one a week for a year. Then every time I feel sorry for myself I can tell someone else why I am thankful. huh what a great idea. SooooooOoooo why not practice making cards with
POTATO stamps!!! o yeah, that's right! There is way more play with but the first try turned out pretty cute :)
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Bird by Bird
Ok word vomit. then goal time.
I go back home to Pittsburgh in 27 days. 4 weeks exactly. and I get to stay home for 3.5 weeks. My NSF predoc is done, I'm not doing an EPA star, my summaries for seminar have been written for months, that only leaves biometry and lab meetings. Thanksgiving is Thursday. I need to go to the grocery store actually. and ask mom for that recipe. O and come up with some bullshit for Darwin Day. but essentially I will have few responsibilities and lots of time. so.
Part 1: Word Vomit (no actual vomit... just kidding)
I hate my living situation. I hate that Jeremy just sits on that couch and takes up space and doesn't share. But I guess I more hate the fact that he is a constant reminder that I am inadequate. The fact that I can't bring myself to really forgive him or honestly like him. That he is my constant competition and that I use him as a whipping board to make myself feel better. At the end of the day I just have to be a better _____ than Jeremy. Who does that?! Someone who is deeply insecure and unhappy. that's who
Then there is this program. Of course I'm unhappy, am I even giving it a shot? And why am I not giving it a shot? IF i were perfectly honest about it would it be because I would rather be with Jason? That is putting way too much pressure on Jason and it is making all of this impossible. He can't be the thing that makes me happy. Just like Aaron couldn't be the thing that made me happy. I have to find out what makes me happy all on my own. But was I happier when I was working in outreach? How about a totally different career? How much have I been trying to fill a dissatisfied hole in my life with a boy and what is that hole that I need to fill?
which leads into 3 which is of course Jason. I do love him. and i do put way too much pressure on him. and single handedly tried to ruin our "birthday vacation" time. fuck. what is wrong with me? All I want in the world is to be with him and feel happy and make him happy and instead I require his constant reassurance and when I do get time to be with him I cry. and i accuse him of cheating and I pick fights. No wonder he can't say i love you. what reason have I given him? It doesn't matter how much I love him until I start treating us both better this will never work. And at the end of the day it may not work anyhow, but I have to try to give us the set shot we will get.
which takes us to
Part 2: The Plan
A. Exercise and Diet
Ok so I kind of already started this one but got off the boat with the dieting part. well it's time to get back on, as well as to go full force on the exercise. There is no time like the present to fix my body. I already have the 3 day a week work out with Amber started. I need to add in yoga at least once a week though. starting this week. Also Jason is going to start helping me with my diet to go with the exercise. so no turning back.
B. Church
this one I am working on with Latoya. I still haven't found a replacement for hot metal but this is still an active work in progress.
C. Meditation
Right so I went all that way to find meditation only to stop using it? yeah right. starting tomorrow we're getting back in the swing of it.
D. Journalling/writing a book
Ok Ok so i know that i feel better when I journal, yet instead I try to take it all out on my friends. I'm like that dumb stubborn mule you take to water and then watch it just stare at it. well no more. all of these things are good for me. all of these things i enjoy. so instead of moping around that i don't have friends or watching 12 hours of TV, I will start working on my book. who cares if it never gets published if it gets some of this shit out of my head. for reals yo
E. Counseling
I've already looked it up and they offer stress management group classes Mondays & Thursdays that I am going to start attending. Also I am going to look into any kind of extra counseling that may be available to me. This is not a joke, it's time to get real help.
So to start implementing this, because I can't decide i'm going to do it and then quit again... I am going to start writing it on my calendar. I can do this. I will do this. I am the only person who can make myself better or make myself happy.
Here is to the first day of the rest of my life (cheesy sayings and all)
i love me.
I go back home to Pittsburgh in 27 days. 4 weeks exactly. and I get to stay home for 3.5 weeks. My NSF predoc is done, I'm not doing an EPA star, my summaries for seminar have been written for months, that only leaves biometry and lab meetings. Thanksgiving is Thursday. I need to go to the grocery store actually. and ask mom for that recipe. O and come up with some bullshit for Darwin Day. but essentially I will have few responsibilities and lots of time. so.
Part 1: Word Vomit (no actual vomit... just kidding)
I hate my living situation. I hate that Jeremy just sits on that couch and takes up space and doesn't share. But I guess I more hate the fact that he is a constant reminder that I am inadequate. The fact that I can't bring myself to really forgive him or honestly like him. That he is my constant competition and that I use him as a whipping board to make myself feel better. At the end of the day I just have to be a better _____ than Jeremy. Who does that?! Someone who is deeply insecure and unhappy. that's who
Then there is this program. Of course I'm unhappy, am I even giving it a shot? And why am I not giving it a shot? IF i were perfectly honest about it would it be because I would rather be with Jason? That is putting way too much pressure on Jason and it is making all of this impossible. He can't be the thing that makes me happy. Just like Aaron couldn't be the thing that made me happy. I have to find out what makes me happy all on my own. But was I happier when I was working in outreach? How about a totally different career? How much have I been trying to fill a dissatisfied hole in my life with a boy and what is that hole that I need to fill?
which leads into 3 which is of course Jason. I do love him. and i do put way too much pressure on him. and single handedly tried to ruin our "birthday vacation" time. fuck. what is wrong with me? All I want in the world is to be with him and feel happy and make him happy and instead I require his constant reassurance and when I do get time to be with him I cry. and i accuse him of cheating and I pick fights. No wonder he can't say i love you. what reason have I given him? It doesn't matter how much I love him until I start treating us both better this will never work. And at the end of the day it may not work anyhow, but I have to try to give us the set shot we will get.
which takes us to
Part 2: The Plan
A. Exercise and Diet
Ok so I kind of already started this one but got off the boat with the dieting part. well it's time to get back on, as well as to go full force on the exercise. There is no time like the present to fix my body. I already have the 3 day a week work out with Amber started. I need to add in yoga at least once a week though. starting this week. Also Jason is going to start helping me with my diet to go with the exercise. so no turning back.
B. Church
this one I am working on with Latoya. I still haven't found a replacement for hot metal but this is still an active work in progress.
C. Meditation
Right so I went all that way to find meditation only to stop using it? yeah right. starting tomorrow we're getting back in the swing of it.
D. Journalling/writing a book
Ok Ok so i know that i feel better when I journal, yet instead I try to take it all out on my friends. I'm like that dumb stubborn mule you take to water and then watch it just stare at it. well no more. all of these things are good for me. all of these things i enjoy. so instead of moping around that i don't have friends or watching 12 hours of TV, I will start working on my book. who cares if it never gets published if it gets some of this shit out of my head. for reals yo
E. Counseling
I've already looked it up and they offer stress management group classes Mondays & Thursdays that I am going to start attending. Also I am going to look into any kind of extra counseling that may be available to me. This is not a joke, it's time to get real help.
So to start implementing this, because I can't decide i'm going to do it and then quit again... I am going to start writing it on my calendar. I can do this. I will do this. I am the only person who can make myself better or make myself happy.
Here is to the first day of the rest of my life (cheesy sayings and all)
i love me.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
FL post 1
Ok so I moved to Tampa
After everything that I said about finding myself and wanting to stay single, I didn't do a very good job. I ended up falling very hard for Jason. Don't get me wrong I think i adequately got over Aaron and put myself together despite some serious obstacles to overcome. So I don't think that dating him was a mistake or that I haven't learned a few things about myself. The relationship was very mature and made me very happy. I think with him I also learned more about myself and some important lessons from him directly.
No the problem is that I then had to leave him to come here and I am very torn about my emotions. Part of me knows that a long distance relationship is very hard and you have to make serious sacrifices for it. But part of me is also still so attached to him, to us, that I can't imagine a future where we are with other people... I have a lot of thinking, meditating, and praying to do before this can be resolved.
namaste
After everything that I said about finding myself and wanting to stay single, I didn't do a very good job. I ended up falling very hard for Jason. Don't get me wrong I think i adequately got over Aaron and put myself together despite some serious obstacles to overcome. So I don't think that dating him was a mistake or that I haven't learned a few things about myself. The relationship was very mature and made me very happy. I think with him I also learned more about myself and some important lessons from him directly.
No the problem is that I then had to leave him to come here and I am very torn about my emotions. Part of me knows that a long distance relationship is very hard and you have to make serious sacrifices for it. But part of me is also still so attached to him, to us, that I can't imagine a future where we are with other people... I have a lot of thinking, meditating, and praying to do before this can be resolved.
namaste
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