Bird by Bird

Ok word vomit. then goal time.

I go back home to Pittsburgh in 27 days. 4 weeks exactly. and I get to stay home for 3.5 weeks. My NSF predoc is done, I'm not doing an EPA star, my summaries for seminar have been written for months, that only leaves biometry and lab meetings. Thanksgiving is Thursday. I need to go to the grocery store actually. and ask mom for that recipe. O and come up with some bullshit for Darwin Day. but essentially I will have few responsibilities and lots of time. so.

Part 1: Word Vomit (no actual vomit... just kidding)

I hate my living situation. I hate that Jeremy just sits on that couch and takes up space and doesn't share. But I guess I more hate the fact that he is a constant reminder that I am inadequate. The fact that I can't bring myself to really forgive him or honestly like him. That he is my constant competition and that I use him as a whipping board to make myself feel better. At the end of the day I just have to be a better _____ than Jeremy. Who does that?! Someone who is deeply insecure and unhappy. that's who

Then there is this program. Of course I'm unhappy, am I even giving it a shot? And why am I not giving it a shot? IF i were perfectly honest about it would it be because I would rather be with Jason? That is putting way too much pressure on Jason and it is making all of this impossible. He can't be the thing that makes me happy. Just like Aaron couldn't be the thing that made me happy. I have to find out what makes me happy all on my own. But was I happier when I was working in outreach? How about a totally different career? How much have I been trying to fill a dissatisfied hole in my life with a boy and what is that hole that I need to fill?

which leads into 3 which is of course Jason. I do love him. and i do put way too much pressure on him. and single handedly tried to ruin our "birthday vacation" time. fuck. what is wrong with me? All I want in the world is to be with him and feel happy and make him happy and instead I require his constant reassurance and when I do get time to be with him I cry. and i accuse him of cheating and I pick fights. No wonder he can't say i love you. what reason have I given him? It doesn't matter how much I love him until I start treating us both better this will never work. And at the end of the day it may not work anyhow, but I have to try to give us the set shot we will get.

which takes us to

Part 2: The Plan

A. Exercise and Diet
Ok so I kind of already started this one but got off the boat with the dieting part. well it's time to get back on, as well as to go full force on the exercise. There is no time like the present to fix my body. I already have the 3 day a week work out with Amber started. I need to add in yoga at least once a week though. starting this week. Also Jason is going to start helping me with my diet to go with the exercise. so no turning back.

B. Church
this one I am working on with Latoya. I still haven't found a replacement for hot metal but this is still an active work in progress.

C. Meditation
Right so I went all that way to find meditation only to stop using it? yeah right. starting tomorrow we're getting back in the swing of it.

D. Journalling/writing a book
Ok Ok so i know that i feel better when I journal, yet instead I try to take it all out on my friends. I'm like that dumb stubborn mule you take to water and then watch it just stare at it. well no more. all of these things are good for me. all of these things i enjoy. so instead of moping around that i don't have friends or watching 12 hours of TV, I will start working on my book. who cares if it never gets published if it gets some of this shit out of my head. for reals yo

E. Counseling
I've already looked it up and they offer stress management group classes Mondays & Thursdays that I am going to start attending. Also I am going to look into any kind of extra counseling that may be available to me. This is not a joke, it's time to get real help.

So to start implementing this, because I can't decide i'm going to do it and then quit again... I am going to start writing it on my calendar. I can do this. I will do this. I am the only person who can make myself better or make myself happy.

Here is to the first day of the rest of my life (cheesy sayings and all)


i love me.