i love... me? (day 12)

I haven't had much time to write and I've had a lot of breakthroughs in this last week to at least finding some contentment.

I've continued using exercise to push myself and get rid of much of my unrest and nervous energy. This isn't really possible on the days that I intern at the aviary as I get up by 6 am and never seem to get home before 6pm totally exhausted. However, there are some good points to working at the aviary, namely that I work so hard all day and I'm constantly so stressed about the job that I don't have time to even really think about the other things. I haven't fully decided if the internship is going to be helpful to my overall well being or just one more thing to work through, but either way I'm in it for a few months.

The first real solid breakthrough I had was last Sunday (I know I talked about going to church with Jess but I didn't realize then how important this was). I was talking with Jess in my car at the end of the day and we were discussing, of course, my failed relationship with Aaron. After I had started to retell things that had happened months ago again she stopped me and said "you're dwelling again. Like the movie said send him light and love and then move on" and I said "I know, I'm trying, but it's just still so much" and she said "I think you've had enough time to hurt." Now that was a novel concept and something I really really needed to hear. The more I thought about it the more she seemed to be right. I have been hurting for a really long time and the only person now who is holding me there is me. So I'm letting it end.

The next breakthrough didn't come until Wednesday evening and it didn't seem like it was going to be one at all. To avoid a long story I got a flat tire after having to take a different way home from work and was stranded in a parking lot that I didn't know. I was all kinds of stressed out. After calling AAA a nice cop came and tried to help me and after realizing we weren't going to get the tire off I continued to wait for the mechanic. It turns out he was a 27 year old who was so very nice and sweet. He talked me out of being upset and we had a very nice conversation (it didn't hurt that he was adorable and had a really nice smile). After he left I realized I should have said we should hang out again or anything really but it didn't happen and I will probably never see him again. However, it was the first time in a very very long time I was just happy. I smiled the whole way home (painfully driving 50 mph on a donut with my 4 way flashers on) just because I liked him. I liked him with no pressure or no guilt. I consider this a HUGE step :0)

The last breakthrough was yesterday. Many times over the last month this same phrase has popped into my head (while I'm driving, sitting, reading, what have you) "i love..." but I don't know how to finish it. For a while I tried to finish it with the word "Aaron" but that never fit. Then I tried to ignore it. Use the word everyone. and even put in friends or family names. Nothing ever seemed right and it just upset me. However yesterday I found two words that fit. "i love me" now that was a novel one. But it felt right, I mean it's what I'm working toward, right? to love me? to find inner peace. and also "i love you" which I believe is from god. He loves me too and he wants me to know it! SO now I have that to think about and feel happy about whenever I want. I love me and so does god.

<3>

Day 6

Today I have only good things to add. First I feel that the meditation I have been doing is starting to work, I have gotten tiny bits better at it every time. I also had a productive conversation with Aaron that lasted an hour and did not involve us or our problems. He will be traveling and out of the state much of the next 2 months and I feel the continued separation and space will help me heal. I have also found in the last few days a healthy way to channel my inner pain through exercise.

In the past, when faced with an emotional problem I felt I couldn't handle, I have occasionally resorted to hurting myself. I have never cut myself with a razor but I have dug my own fingernails into my hands and even stabbed myself with a fork or knife. The last time that this happened (this summer) my friend found me and made me promise it would not happen again. I have kept my word. But I know that the reason that I do it is because when I am emotionally hurting and cannot control the pain that I feel, the act of physically hurting myself and focusing on that pain makes me feel that I am back in control of the situation. I can make the physical pain start and stop when I chose. I have found a healthier way to gain this feeling, through pushing myself while exercising. For the first time in my life I am someone who actually likes running. I had two really amazing workout and after each of them I felt spent and emotionally calm.

Also I attended church with my best friend Jess today. We went to the Hot Metal Bridge Community Church on the Southside of Pittsburgh. It is an amazing place. It is geared toward the younger generation, a place for self expression, and very welcoming. The service was exactly what I needed. It was all about starting a journey with god and using your broken wounds for him.

<3

Day 5

This week has been rough, starting the new internship and finding it wasn't as much of a new and happy start as I had hoped and also feeling under the weather for part of the week. However, there were also some good times and extra time for prayer, meditation, and laughter. I was able to see many of my friends and share meals with them. I also got to see the movie eat, pray, love again and I feel that it is pretty inspirational to how I feel. It just makes me feel good when I watch it.

I still cry about aaron almost daily. I also still don't sleep through the night from the events of this summer, though I bought a new dream catcher to maybe help with some of the nightmares. I am also going to church tomorrow with a friend to see if they offer any kind of counseling, as I feel that I may have hit a point where I shouldn't do this all by myself. There is too much real dark things to deal with. I have been told that I have a lot on my plate right now, so I guess I just need to put my head down and work hard.

Today I plan to continue to get ready for the yard sale I hope to have to rid my life of junk and bad memories (anything that doesn't sell will be donated), spend some time knitting, do some yoga, and get some actual work done. I am almost finished with The Prayer of Jabez (though I will probably re-read it) and may turn my attention to starting The Purpose Driven Life.

Day 1

Today was the first day of my internship at the aviary. I think I am actually depressed because despite the fact that I thought all summer that this is what I wanted and I was so looking forward to it so much I didn't even really enjoy it. Maybe I'm just tired because I got up before 6 and haven't slept through the night in weeks but I just don't even want to go back tomorrow...

In the area of more positive thinking I got to have a delicious Thai dinner with one of my best friends and I am playing with her adorable puppy. I plan to do my breathing meditation before bed instead of this morning because i got up so early.

On my lunch break I was re-reading Kevin's blog about inner peace on selfgrowth.com (link at the bottom of the page) and today I am concentrating on the line "most importantly, you have to realize that only you have control over your emotional responses and reactions and that they can be changed for the better."

This is probably my biggest weakness. I let my emotions run my life. Right now I am surrounded by loving family & friends and starting a new job. I should be happy. I should be putting myself out there and starting to date. But instead I'm still stuck on a boy who broke my heart. I let these emotions take over my whole life and that needs to stop.

Namaste

I'll begin with a simple explanation of why I have decided to both search out inner peace and to start this blog. I graduated from college a little over a year ago and spent much of the months following both lost and depressed. I turned down a job that I did not feel ready for because it was well out of my comfort zone and far away from my home. After a few months I started to find some of my old drive and ambition but I was in a very unhealthy relationship. Then this summer I had an opportunity to move away and live at a field station doing research and I decided to take it. After 3 months of getting to travel, make new friends, and learn new things I came home to the find the relationship I had left behind was over. Even though I knew I wasn't truly happy with him and I had tried to move on during the summer it still hurt very badly. It still hurts very badly. Now I am starting a new internship and hopefully a new chapter of my life but I don't want to do that while holding on to past pain. I have decided to take a journey to find what god's plan is for me, who I really am, and to heal myself.

I decided to make a blog about it for a few different reasons and kind of on a whim. One of the things that I have heard in the past and have read is that keeping a journal can help your mental health so this seems like an easy way to make one that I can type out quickly and access anywhere. It will also help me keep my thoughts and materials organized. I also wanted a chance to create a public place to put my feelings out because I am open to guidance and wisdom from others, as right now I'm just doing this by myself. I am by no means pretending that I have any great insights or that this blog is something anyone should emulate, I don't even really blog much at all. So please don't judge me too harshly :0)

Ok here we go!