I've continued using exercise to push myself and get rid of much of my unrest and nervous energy. This isn't really possible on the days that I intern at the aviary as I get up by 6 am and never seem to get home before 6pm totally exhausted. However, there are some good points to working at the aviary, namely that I work so hard all day and I'm constantly so stressed about the job that I don't have time to even really think about the other things. I haven't fully decided if the internship is going to be helpful to my overall well being or just one more thing to work through, but either way I'm in it for a few months.
The first real solid breakthrough I had was last Sunday (I know I talked about going to church with Jess but I didn't realize then how important this was). I was talking with Jess in my car at the end of the day and we were discussing, of course, my failed relationship with Aaron. After I had started to retell things that had happened months ago again she stopped me and said "you're dwelling again. Like the movie said send him light and love and then move on" and I said "I know, I'm trying, but it's just still so much" and she said "I think you've had enough time to hurt." Now that was a novel concept and something I really really needed to hear. The more I thought about it the more she seemed to be right. I have been hurting for a really long time and the only person now who is holding me there is me. So I'm letting it end.
The next breakthrough didn't come until Wednesday evening and it didn't seem like it was going to be one at all. To avoid a long story I got a flat tire after having to take a different way home from work and was stranded in a parking lot that I didn't know. I was all kinds of stressed out. After calling AAA a nice cop came and tried to help me and after realizing we weren't going to get the tire off I continued to wait for the mechanic. It turns out he was a 27 year old who was so very nice and sweet. He talked me out of being upset and we had a very nice conversation (it didn't hurt that he was adorable and had a really nice smile). After he left I realized I should have said we should hang out again or anything really but it didn't happen and I will probably never see him again. However, it was the first time in a very very long time I was just happy. I smiled the whole way home (painfully driving 50 mph on a donut with my 4 way flashers on) just because I liked him. I liked him with no pressure or no guilt. I consider this a HUGE step :0)
The last breakthrough was yesterday. Many times over the last month this same phrase has popped into my head (while I'm driving, sitting, reading, what have you) "i love..." but I don't know how to finish it. For a while I tried to finish it with the word "Aaron" but that never fit. Then I tried to ignore it. Use the word everyone. and even put in friends or family names. Nothing ever seemed right and it just upset me. However yesterday I found two words that fit. "i love me" now that was a novel one. But it felt right, I mean it's what I'm working toward, right? to love me? to find inner peace. and also "i love you" which I believe is from god. He loves me too and he wants me to know it! SO now I have that to think about and feel happy about whenever I want. I love me and so does god.
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