Today I have only good things to add. First I feel that the meditation I have been doing is starting to work, I have gotten tiny bits better at it every time. I also had a productive conversation with Aaron that lasted an hour and did not involve us or our problems. He will be traveling and out of the state much of the next 2 months and I feel the continued separation and space will help me heal. I have also found in the last few days a healthy way to channel my inner pain through exercise.
In the past, when faced with an emotional problem I felt I couldn't handle, I have occasionally resorted to hurting myself. I have never cut myself with a razor but I have dug my own fingernails into my hands and even stabbed myself with a fork or knife. The last time that this happened (this summer) my friend found me and made me promise it would not happen again. I have kept my word. But I know that the reason that I do it is because when I am emotionally hurting and cannot control the pain that I feel, the act of physically hurting myself and focusing on that pain makes me feel that I am back in control of the situation. I can make the physical pain start and stop when I chose. I have found a healthier way to gain this feeling, through pushing myself while exercising. For the first time in my life I am someone who actually likes running. I had two really amazing workout and after each of them I felt spent and emotionally calm.
Also I attended church with my best friend Jess today. We went to the Hot Metal Bridge Community Church on the Southside of Pittsburgh. It is an amazing place. It is geared toward the younger generation, a place for self expression, and very welcoming. The service was exactly what I needed. It was all about starting a journey with god and using your broken wounds for him.
<3
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