Church service this week said we tell ourselves 2 lies

1. we have to be perfect
2. we have to please everyone

and then he went on about how god loves us. despite the fact that we are sinners. that our good works don't get us to heaven, that we get there because Jesus died for us. That we can't earn love. and more. probably more.

I was the poster child for this service. POSTER CHILD.

So I get so worked up that I can't even take communion. because my dad died. and my mom never let us forget it. and she expects too much from me. and i don't know how to handle it. and i love her. and i want to be good enough. i really really want to be good enough. I don't like fighting with her. i don't like her thinking i don't love her. but i don't know how to be good enough for her.

and it seeps. it seeps into everything. this needing to validate that i am good enough.

Kevin's mom said i wasn't good enough for her son. Aaron said i wasn't good enough for him. I am beating a dead horse but i have spent a very long time trying to validate myself. trying to be good enough. so i mean... it isn't over it.

so i couldn't take communion because i don't know how to let go of all of that and feel like i'm good enough because i was made good enough. I have been looking for love from every guy that i love, but i don't know how to take the "i have a savior that loves me for who i am"

and i just want to cry. i want to cry and sleep. i have work to do. but i want to cry and sleep. and i want jason to love me. but he needs space. i just.

i feel very broken